littlecreep (littlecreep) wrote in smile4no2morrow,

Sometimes I don't think I really exist.
Am I here?
No... even if I am here... I'm not here.
I'm somewhere else.
In my mind...
And it's so much better in there than out here.
But the problem is you can't live like that.
THEY don't let you live like that.
Do you find that when you become a self harmer - if you ever become one that is - that you become this new breed of life... this thing that is not human but could pass as one if you tried? It's like when all you think about it dieing... and it puts you aside from normal people.
You stop.... living... and start... dreaming.
And then... you don't know when or where the dream stops.
And you lose yourself... you know?
And at first it's good... and sometimes it still is.
But as time goes on, and the world goes by... the dream gets deeper, and you lose yourself more and more to this... "life" you have created. And you don't know where to stop... or if you should.
You don't know how to get out... and you only think about getting out because THEY tell you you should.
Because it's wrong... it's not right, it's not "life".
And it's all fine and dandy to fuck that up.... but what are THEY going to do about it?
I don't understand... what is so wonderful about the world and that normal life you live that makes you think you are better than me? I'm not happy, fine... but that is not because of the world I created for myself, it's because I am stuck in your world, YOURS...
And I have become something else, and I will never lose that. And I will never be happy in your world.

In short.
I'm fucked.
And don't tell me otherwise... because you know you're fucked too.

Sorry... I was just thinking.
It's been a bad day... week... month... 18 years... and I see no sign of it letting up.

x posted around the block.
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